The shoe...I remembered it OMG!!

  Forget teen years of practicing ass.  My dearest mother reminded me I have been doing embarrassing crap since I was 5!! Got to love parents!  The Royal Wedding and America's Funniest made her think about it and she wished she had a video camera to have taped it.....yes I gave my mother serious side eye.  No just no!  
   We'd flown to Miami (yuck) because my dad wanted to go buy a sports something another lol, and I remember I was wearing a white dress and mary janes....you know me and light colors just mean impending doom, and a dress too merciful heavens, brimstone was raining down.
  Yup there I was out side the Omni Hotel of Biscayne Bay doing my thing...swinging my foot back and forth.  Just shooting the breeze and it happened! My shoe was gone!! What the hell.  Now how could I tell my always calm mother and Godzilla over there who starts to breath fire when travel is involved that I lost my shoe somewhere?  Easy don't say jack!?! 
  Unfortunately that didn't last very long if memory serves me right I'd say oh about 4 minutes.  My mom looked down and was like what the hell and of course, Godzuki started laying a smackdown to the city.  If my father knew I said that I'd be roasted alive.  A much better way of putting it is he started looking under the taxi, in the taxi but never off in the distance....oh say at a wedding in the distance lol.
  Yes my shoe had gone flying over way over there and had hit the bride in the head when the rice was being thrown -_- and the groom thought it was funny as hell.  Poor me!  Wait I should be saying poor bride!  Hey lady it was 16 years ago but I'm really really sorry my mary jane smacked you side your head,  I'm also really sorry the groom laughed, I hope you hit him with a shoe later that day.  Oh geeze I laughed at this memory I'm going straight to west hell at the front of the bus.  When the groom returned my shoe...yeah he came over to return it (I wish he'd just have kept the damn thing!), he told me to go into soceer and that I was just too cute for words with my wide eyed innocent look.  I'd better have been wide eyed and innocent Godzuki was giving me murderous side eye. 
  You know the ass that I have practiced I cannot get mad at my kids, if I have kids in the future.  I did way too much bull to say a thing lol, way way too much!

A serious talk about like and love.

Okay children, let me be serious here for a moment.  I want to talk about love and all the mess that comes with falling in love with someone.  And for once something I say won't be aimed at anyone in particular.
Like.  Look, liking someone is easy.  End of story.  Girls if you like a guy let him know.  That's it.  It's not going to kill you.  Plus all he can say is yes or no or what?? And look at you like you fell from mars. 
Do not think that because you like him you own him.  YOU DO NOT OWN THE MAN!!  Bad habit.  We women are really territorial creatures that will eat a man's head off like a praying mantis if she even dreams he is talking to another woman.  So he better not be! j/k j/k!!  Don't sit there being all shocked, it's true and the women that read this and I know y'all do read this lol, know deep within we get kinda bipolar about men (some of us are more up front about our craziness than others.)
For me this includes my male best friends.  Yeah y'all know who I mean.  Nii Nii, Arekks, Maggie, Fer-fer, no.......... not you Apple if a woman would run off with you I'd be so freaken happy I will pay her ass millions! Ahem anywayz, I don't mind them finding girlfriends.  Just don't break their hearts girls because yeah it won't be pretty.  Actually I'm doing cartwheels that they attached themselves....well most of them.  I'm not ready to give up Arekks just yet to any girls... so yeah the rest sure its about time.  My partner in every crime I have committed ever ever hell nawl!  No I lie.  If there was a girl for him that would/could lead his 6'4 self around by the nose, I say girl he's yours!!
Wait wait where was I.  Territorial women and the bad habits we do once we realize we like the guy.  Look I'm not saying being jealous is bad, because having some sort of jealous feeling for the guy is healthy.  But for Cripe's sake women DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT go postal because you saw him on-line and he didn't say hello to you.  Trust me he will get around to saying hi and if he doesn't take a damn lithium pill for shit's sake.  The next time you two communicate he will say hello or dammit go say hello to him sheesh.  Don't pounce on him for no reason.  Don't over react and start cursing like a sailor either.  There's no point to it, and its completely unnecessary.  Really if I find myself talking to the guy alot I worry because I wonder am I getting up his ass?  And then I dial it back a bit. Don't get me wrong I'm not running away at all. I'm just slowing myself down a bit because I need to think.   Hey I like you eventually I wanna see you naked.  I mean eventually I want your smile to belong to me....this just isn't coming out right at all.  Plus with the work that I do, I am easily stressed and then I turn into a fire breathing dragon, and I can't have him up my ass at that point because I will lump him in with the people that are pissing me off and then I get VERY one worded or I turn into a mime and I mime very well with my middle finger!
The crush.  What the hell is a crush? According to the dictionary its "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special".  Burning desire?  Really??  Nah I think its more of a I think you're an interesting person, sure you're attractive...what do you want me to stalk you some now or something?? because I suck at that and I am easily distracted.  I've had a guys I like and vice versa but I haven't had that burning desire feeling as yet.  Wait is that what we call heartburn?  Because I had that feeling last night after the buffalo wings Rooroo and I had last night when we were out and about.  No I'm not being sarcastic. I'm being blunt. This is right up there with the term puppy love.  Isn't this the same as the liking someone? Now I've told a guy that I liked him lately.  I wanted to drive it through to that big thick damn Asian skull......I mean *blink blink* I wanted him to catch on and you know, if he has not caught on by now, then the guy I'm referring to does have a big thick skull and needs to get socked in the back of his head with an orange lol.
Love.  Let me say this right now.  Loving someone is never easy. So when the first set of issues arise don't just walk away after you have had one....ten arguments.   No one is an angel and somehow in someway, something he did last year is gonna pop into your head and piss you off and then you'll be sitting there giving him the stinky eye. This takes me back to the like part but on a different level.  Listen up ladies and gentlemen,  because you guys are just as bad and then get your boxers in a knot too! If your woman or man is busy and does not pay attention to you its not because they don't love you or because they eyeballing someone else.  I know myself from experience I get preoccupied and the guy that I'm with will be talking and I'm hearing zero of it.  I'm sorry it is not on purpose its just my mind is going a mile a minute with so much stuff my brain goes on overload.  And I do love you that's just me and I'm sorry.  Don't freak out and have a tantrum, its just not kosher.
My final verdict.  Join a nunnery, become a monk.  No no I'm not serious.  My final advice its your life and the only one you get...live it well, love as much as you can, enjoy it all, but please try to pay attention to your special person some, and please please we all have to stop the crazy ass moments.

Peace
~Micchi

Tales from the Past Pt3.........A skip 5 years into the future lol

Let me fast forward a bit to when I was 20 and dating a village idiot.  Well Idiot and I used to go out every weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday...what dedication lmao.  It was Christmas and his cousins had invited themselves from France. 
So somehow our date to the carnival turned into a well chaperoned event.  And let me tell you 8 tall ass long limbed people (poor me I'm only 5'8 everyone else was easily hitting 6'3) in a Suzuki Swift is a thing you just do NOT want.....a new kind of clown car experience.  No contortionists, just arms and legs and people complaining about space.....really? Who invited all these people??   And there was my dear idiot mad as hell driving, his face made up like a hurricane.  Me, squished not even squeezed but squished against one door,  and him against the steering wheel and the other door, with 2 cousins in betwix and in the back only God himself knows how the other four fit.
Well we were driving along with a car full of noise,  Me trying to fix my mini....dammit I thought it was a 2 person event okay!  Every time idiot's cousin next to me looked down, I'd see Idiot glare at him. Bursts of complaints from what sounded like a flock of seagulls coming from the back.  And you could not breath because if you breathed we'd all have fallen out the car.
Well I'll never forget that night ever.  Why?? Well......you see as we were turning off Prince Charles Drive onto Soldier Road someone in that car farted!  I can tell you the moment too.  It happened when Idiot reached over the cousin next to him, to grab the cousin next to me who decided he was going to touch my leg.....I think they squeezed poor dude in the middle! They call them silent but deadly but damn!  You know that car was silent for a whole count of 20.....20 was too long!  That is the first time I prayed for an easier death!  Who the hell waits till you are packed like tuna in a car to go fart? Hold it!! My eyes were watering but no one wanted to be the one to roll down the window, much less talk, every movement involved breathing.
Finally Idiot could not take it anymore and he said in a strangled whispered "Who ate the eggs and cabbage tho?"
Eggs and cabbage?? No bruh! A skunk took up residence in their tummy thats what!  Why did he have to talk it? And then he had the heart to say whoever laughed did it and whoever rushed to roll down a window did it! We were dying to laugh but couldn't. And let me tell you a car full of people turning various shades of blue because they want to laugh is not a pretty sight! Fun times....Never again lmao!!

Tales from the Past Pt2.........

Let me just begin by saying I'm an Aries tried and true.  Bossy, biggety, always fighting for what I think is right,  and easily hurt.  I can put on the best mask when the moment needs it but I'm scared as hell of spiders, frogs, and big lizards.  Emphasis on the freaking huge ass lizards we have in the Caribbean!  And thats where this memory takes me lizards and bravado.
So there I am in the shower as you'll remember from episode 1.....I pulled out my light saber because  Darth vader was rustling outside the window.  Bullshit, I wish I had a damn light saber for that moment.  Okay seriously I was showering because I had proceeded to roll down a freaken hill in the front of a bus stop full of people!  The water was ice cold, there was ice hanging off my nose (I'll go with nose) when I heard a distant croak. At that moment I became a stone statue.  Croak? ..... croak!...oh hell no...can't be....Lord please let that be coming from way way outside over the neighbours wall!
I turned my head very slowly to look up above the window behind me. Nope, nothing there.  I finally let out the breath I had been holding in for a  good 15 minutes and went back to my shower.  You know what if you heard the croak and you are scared of lizards just get out the shower. DO NOT look around and then go back to soaping yourself up, it will end badly!
Poor me, there I am enjoying the smell of honeysuckle, I love honeysuckle, even to this day I still love it. Not paying attention to my surroundings when I hear it.  CROAK! WTF CROAK?? CROAK!! Holy shit that's way too loud to be outside! I look back at the window but I still see nothing.  Where the hell is that sound coming from?? CROAK!  Yup that doesn't sound like it's behind me it sounds like it's.....right over my head.  And there on the top of the shower sat the hugest croaking lizard I had ever seen, and what made it worse lil man had the audacity to hiss at me!
And that is where everything went left for me!  I forgot about everything except getting away from that big ole thing!  There was a back door to my shower and I skittered out of it.  Yup straight out the shower and out the door.  Down the driveway, hurdling over the two hibiscus bushes....straight out into the road.  Let me just say Usain Bolt, I love ya but you had nothing on my speed that day!
Yup I had managed to get away from the lizard. Micchi 1 Lizard 0.  Unfortunately I was blood naked at the end of the driveway, and I had just given both my cousin and the landlord's son a mighty eye full. Landlord's son 1 Micchi 0.  There went my dignity flying out the window again twice in one day!  Ofcourse he thought it was funny as hell and let me know so.  He then offered me a blanket out of his car (.....why did he have a blanket in his car o.O??)  and went in to kill my "dragon". 
Now see he was laughing at me because he said I was scared of a "likkle lizard" more like damn creature but when that lizard came jumping out at him, he found himself running down the driveway too!  And then he had the heart to turn to me and tell me he saw everything and I mean everything and since he saw everything if he kills the lizard I have to agree to go out with him! Well blouse and skirt!! But he was too scared to go back by himself, and he had to go call the Rastafarian from down the street to come help him catch that mutant Godzilla. They really sounded like they were doing battle in there and all for nothing! He never caught that lizard that afternoon.  But he did eventually catch a lizard and get the girl with some hitches.....lol

Tales from the Past Pt1.........

Anyone remember their teen years? When doing stupid things seemed to be your claim to fame. I remember the day I met my first ever boyfriend (about 60 boyfriends ago and way before the tales of Shandar lmao). I will always remember that day because I had my first most embarrassing moment 2 hours before that.

My cousin and I had been sent to boarding school in Mandeville Jamaica, oh joy...NOT!! And I decided I wanted to go into town for a bit. See it was my bright idea. I got dressed in ALL WHITE, now what possesses someone who lives in a country full of bright red dirt to dress in white? Only God above really knows.
We lived at the top of this mountain, you had to walk or catch a cab the whole way down the moutain and then you would be in town. I said "Ok lets walk, the exercise will be great" About 1/4 of the way down the hill, the cousin of that reggae singer SuperCat leans out the window and says "Hey Sexy!!" And thats all I remember. I tripped, and managed to roll from that point all the way down to the bottom of that damn mountain with my cousin chasing behind me on foot. I still can taste all that dirt and grass...lets not forget the cows I rolled past on my way down. I looked like a PigPen from Peanuts with a twist, my head looked like a cockatoo's ass.
When I got up I was the creature from the Red Planet! Red all over with Grey eyes. just as I was trying to figure out what the hell had happened. I heard laughter...........alot of laughter......... I mean screams of laughter. I had managed to put on a show for about 50 people!!! The bus stop was packed. I wanted to die. If the earth could have opened up right then, I would have gladly jumped in!! Instead I pitched straight up out the dirt like I had never fallen down.  With what little dignity I had left, I managed to limp back up the mountain to home. I didn't look left or right. And headed straight into the shower, where I met my next foe...........

The Life Lesson

So here it is early morning......way way early morning......look there he is telling me if I post it he's gonna kick my butt oh well little sister's are meant to be a great pain in yer rass Johnny Long n Tall (however the general public wants to take that).  Anywho here I am watching the last episode of Samurai 7 (which I would recommend by the way if you like anime, blood, guts and some guy who screams like a girl meeting his maker) when Mr. JLT over here felt he needed to give me a life lesson, and somehow tells get to talking about the pussycat that bit back (yeah however you want to take that one too). 

His words not mine.  Mine would have been much worse since I meet this ummmm nm anyway after listening to this story and having encountered said polecat myself wait wait I'm getting side eye. Men beware of women that say they have no friends and no life and the ones that say they have no ability to take things at face value. Do not think it would be interesting to try and interact with somebody like that, especially when your social skill and her stalker skills are on high alert. You will get nothing from the friendship but grief, and don't ask to pet her pussycat because it has claws.....WHAT??....I can't finish this one all kinds of threats are floating my way with some serious side eye again lmfao! HELP ME!!