Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Flight - Fright or Freeze?

You know the fight, flight or freeze reflex? When a human being is in a stress type situation (being scared to death by something), it will usually make the decision to either fight, flight or freeze almost reflexively.  Yeah keep that in mind ^_~.  When I was a teenager I had a lot of up close and personal moments with nature.  Let's face it, I'm clumsy as hell and I have a nose for utter chaos. 

When I was 16 we went to Andros.  Brilliant idea came up around midnight let's take a walk at night thru the bush, it will tired us put enough to fall asleep.  So at midnight, off we went.  At this point I should add that earlier on in the day some family members had stopped by to visit.  They proceeded to try and frighten us half to death with stories of ghosts and chickcharnies!  We brushed it off.  So there we are 5 miles away from the hotel in the dead of night, and headed back when I hear a rustling in the bushes.  Flight - Fright or Freeze? You know the saying bush crack man gone?  How can I describe this best ... My friends had a white people moment.  You know in the horror movies when white folks always seem to have to take a really long look at what's coming, and feel the need to get closer to the coming danger too?  Ok, well they thought I was still standing there!  There was a dust outline where my friend Kyle and I would have been.  I turned tail and skittered 5 miles back to the hotel like a frightened rabbit!  And Kyle was way ahead of me.  He was for like a whole minute until he fell flat on his face that is!  Yes I did laugh.  I was laughing like a hyena!  No I did not stop moving.  No I did not look back!  I hit the room door at top speed, and proceeded to drive into my bed.  I overshot the bed and got the wall instead!  Karma ... tis a bitch! My friend Kyle was close on my heels.  Apparently he had bounced up like nothing had happened and proceeded to start running again, and he managed to trip yet again right at the door and went sprawling halfway in and out the doorway.  The moral of this?  Don't fall down in front of frightened people they will use you as a rug.  The other 4 came trumpeting in as he was about to get up, stepping all over him!  First night there, first aid needed.

A few days later, we decided to go fishing.  The waters in Andros are really great to go fishing in.  Bone fishing that is.  So the guys were bone fishing.  Because really they kept telling me to shush I'm scaring the fish every time I ask where the hell are these see-thru fish.  So I got bored, and decided to jump out the boat and swim not even 40 steps to this little island nearby with the prettiest pink sand.  I jump out the boat, and I'm thinking I'll eat lunch over there.  Thank God I look where I am jumping ... well I should hope everyone looks before they leap, but I couldn't stop the momentum ... I was pushed from behind and I continued falling forward ... right onto a shark!  Flight or Fright?  Freeze is not even in this equation!  I was frightened into flight.  I was so scared I literally flew to get to that island.  Meanwhile the poor shark I scared it so bad it took off like a shot.  I know it must have been like "What the hell?!"  And my lovely friends, instead of wondering if I was okay, they were screaming from laughter in the boat!  If you heard them tell it, I had assaulted said shark when I fell, and walked on water like Jesus!

No it wasn't enough, yes I had been scared to death twice.  But you know third time is the charm!  Next day we were on the boat again.  In the nice turquoise ocean waters.  No fishing this time, just BSing around.  So we all decided to cannonball off the boat at the same time ... naked.  Who's idea was this even?  When you are young, you have utterly brilliant ideas.  One problem ... we didn't see the sting ray swimming along, and of course he isn't expecting 6 naked people to come hurtling from above!  Flight or Fright?  Poor thing, he was frightened, we were frightened ... it was like everyone and everything froze!  I think Mr. Stingray took a look at us blinked and was like ... "Those are the ugliest sea creatures I have ever seen!"  I think he even laughed at us because we took off before he did!  We stayed out the water for the rest of the trip.

As you can tell I've lived thru our dumb ideas and adventures to tell the tales. But you would think after these 3 encounters I would just stay indoors and read.  And I did but the story of me, my 6th sense, my cousin and the land crabs is for another time.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Are you practising bitchassness with the person you like?




What is bitchassness?   It is total shitty  attitude and actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or status messages. It's a terrible terrible new disease sweeping the continents as we speak!  No one is immune, we've all had a case, some far worse than others (especially some of you boys!)  I'm writing this one because of a certain level of over the top bitchassness my friends and I have been experiencing a whole lot as of late.  I will even admit I did some of this miss myself!!  Before I begin I just want to say that no one was harmed in the making of these rules.  Some feelings might get hurt tho and for that .... just suck it up LOL! 

Symptoms of general bitchassness applying to both sexes:
  • Whining or throwing pussy little pussy fits
  • Claiming "hurt feelings" when you are called out on your bullshit
  • Thinking your better than other people
  • Not speaking your true feelings
  • Just being a twat/utter douche in general


  • Rule 1:  Static cling - It's not cute to be clingy.  You are not a sock and she/he is not a shirt!  Let gooooooooooooooo.  You had a life before she/he came along.  You should have a life while you are with them.  You were not born attached at the ass.  Go out and have fun with your friends... a lil time out every so often.  If you keep acting like this you will be alone.

  • Rule 2:  Insecurity - If she/he didn't like you she/he would not be talking to you.  For the sake of all sanity in the free world get over it.  I know it's easier said than done but let me reiterate, they would be talking to you if he didn't like you!  Don't keep pulling the: "is there another woman is that why you aren't talking to me" card or the out of the blue "what's his name, the man you are leaving me for card"  Your significant other will have your ass committed and collect the $70 dollars for turning you in!

  • Rule 3:  Trust Issues - Not every man is alike.  This right here should be easy enough to understand right?  Then why is it so hard to get thru your thick war paint laden skulls??  He is not your past.  He is your present, he hasn't done a thing to hurt you, so why is it so hard to give him a chance?  Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxx sister gurl.

  • Rule 4:  Controlling - This takes me right back to having a life before he met you.  Relax. There's that word again.  Deep breaths.  You are not his momma.  And boy's you don't look like my poppa!  Do NOT attempt to tell him/her what to do.  It's so not kosher.  If they wanted to date a nag .. they'd hook up with a horse.  And the more you pick at your lover, the more militant they get.  Till you have a full force revolution going on, and you don't want that!

  • Rule 5: Being Downright Rude - Now this right here I witnessed first hand.  It makes you look like an ass ... hence the bitchassness!  Cursing at her/him, calling them names (Soooooo sorry Pikachu I called you big dummy head ... ya big dummy head XD)  and just being nasty to them because you feel you are the omnipotent, omniscience boy/girlfriend won't fly.  As a matter of fact you look like an omnipotent bag of shit!  And if you keep doing it you will find a footprint across the seat of your pants from where your lover kick you out of their life.

  • Rule 6:  They are not your ex!  Do I need to explain this one?  Don't give me that look.  Don't even try to tell me that in your past... I will slap the taste out of your mouth!  Possibly even slap you right back to your ancestors for this one.  Did that slap clear your head?  You broke up with your ex right?  So why in thee hell are you comparing your current love to your ex when it's not warranted at all?

Do you feel silly yet?  Have you found yourself doing this non stop?  Take a step back.  Take a break.  Breathe deep.  Count to 10 (does that really work?)  Woooosa it if needs be.  I'd hate for all this baggage right here to cause you to lose what could possibly be a really really great person, that you can love honor and cherish ... while they will love, honor, cherish and rock your world for the rest of your life! 

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Doctors discover way to tell a man’s penis size...in Korea >_>

A group of Korean researchers has produced what may be a more reliable guide to figure out penis size: the ratio of the length of his index finger to that of his ring finger. The lower that ratio, the longer the penis may be, the researchers wrote Monday in the Asian Journal of Andrology.

"Dr. Tae Beom Kim, a urologist at Gachon University in Incheon, Korea, and his colleagues studied 144 men over the age of 20 who were undergoing urological surgery for conditions that do not affect the length of the penis. One member of the team carefully measured the lengths of the index and ring fingers on the subject’s right hand before surgery — left hands are thought to be more variable. A second team member then measured penis length immediately after the subject had been anesthetized. The length was measured both when the penis was flaccid and when it had been stretched as much as possible. Stretched length is thought to correlate to erect length, the team wrote. The team found that, in general, the lower the ratio of the lengths of the two fingers, the longer the stretched length of the penis."

Alrighty then. The dack has several fixes thanks to medical science to ... make it larger, help a man last longer in bed, increase the sensation, decrease sensation, they have cloned penises on the back of mice and the like. And yet, no real cures for womanly problems? And aren't Asians stereotyped enough that they had to be doing this? 

On a different note tho I'm bored so I'm gonna go measure some fingers >_>

Friday, 20 May 2011

Deuces

     Just a little something I've been thinking about for a few days.  Sometimes when you really like someone, it's best to let them go.  Even though scientists say that feelings are something psychological and all in the mind,   when you are in love/like with someone your heart feels like it could burst with happiness, and then again when you have decided to let go of that someone your heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces. 
     It's just a shitty feeling that's for sure.  It's something you try to avoid but sometimes for your own good it's best to let go.  Why is it good?  Because you could be getting rid of an unhealthy relationship.  You could have been the one always giving and the person you were with was the one always taking and demanding you to do things that you've never done before, and then getting mad with you because you were scared to do it.  Sometimes you have to let go because of some sort of cultural/race differences, and it's not because you could not deal with it.  You were happy with the person because you saw them as a human being, you didn't like them because of their body or the colour of their skin.  Sometimes you have to let go because even tho you like the person both sides of your families don't agree with your choice of person.  Sometimes you have to let go because someone is assified enough to listen to their friends instead of following their heart. Or maybe at the end of it all you feel like you were being used by someone who has never had one honest feeling for another human being in their entire lifetime. 
     In the end of all the drama and the heart ache it's easier to just walk away and say....."It was fun while it lasted.....really....deuces!"

Friday, 29 April 2011

The shoe...I remembered it OMG!!

  Forget teen years of practicing ass.  My dearest mother reminded me I have been doing embarrassing crap since I was 5!! Got to love parents!  The Royal Wedding and America's Funniest made her think about it and she wished she had a video camera to have taped it.....yes I gave my mother serious side eye.  No just no!  
   We'd flown to Miami (yuck) because my dad wanted to go buy a sports something another lol, and I remember I was wearing a white dress and mary janes....you know me and light colors just mean impending doom, and a dress too merciful heavens, brimstone was raining down.
  Yup there I was out side the Omni Hotel of Biscayne Bay doing my thing...swinging my foot back and forth.  Just shooting the breeze and it happened! My shoe was gone!! What the hell.  Now how could I tell my always calm mother and Godzilla over there who starts to breath fire when travel is involved that I lost my shoe somewhere?  Easy don't say jack!?! 
  Unfortunately that didn't last very long if memory serves me right I'd say oh about 4 minutes.  My mom looked down and was like what the hell and of course, Godzuki started laying a smackdown to the city.  If my father knew I said that I'd be roasted alive.  A much better way of putting it is he started looking under the taxi, in the taxi but never off in the distance....oh say at a wedding in the distance lol.
  Yes my shoe had gone flying over way over there and had hit the bride in the head when the rice was being thrown -_- and the groom thought it was funny as hell.  Poor me!  Wait I should be saying poor bride!  Hey lady it was 16 years ago but I'm really really sorry my mary jane smacked you side your head,  I'm also really sorry the groom laughed, I hope you hit him with a shoe later that day.  Oh geeze I laughed at this memory I'm going straight to west hell at the front of the bus.  When the groom returned my shoe...yeah he came over to return it (I wish he'd just have kept the damn thing!), he told me to go into soceer and that I was just too cute for words with my wide eyed innocent look.  I'd better have been wide eyed and innocent Godzuki was giving me murderous side eye. 
  You know the ass that I have practiced I cannot get mad at my kids, if I have kids in the future.  I did way too much bull to say a thing lol, way way too much!

Sunday, 24 April 2011

A serious talk about like and love.

Okay children, let me be serious here for a moment.  I want to talk about love and all the mess that comes with falling in love with someone.  And for once something I say won't be aimed at anyone in particular.
Like.  Look, liking someone is easy.  End of story.  Girls if you like a guy let him know.  That's it.  It's not going to kill you.  Plus all he can say is yes or no or what?? And look at you like you fell from mars. 
Do not think that because you like him you own him.  YOU DO NOT OWN THE MAN!!  Bad habit.  We women are really territorial creatures that will eat a man's head off like a praying mantis if she even dreams he is talking to another woman.  So he better not be! j/k j/k!!  Don't sit there being all shocked, it's true and the women that read this and I know y'all do read this lol, know deep within we get kinda bipolar about men (some of us are more up front about our craziness than others.)
For me this includes my male best friends.  Yeah y'all know who I mean.  Nii Nii, Arekks, Maggie, Fer-fer, no.......... not you Apple if a woman would run off with you I'd be so freaken happy I will pay her ass millions! Ahem anywayz, I don't mind them finding girlfriends.  Just don't break their hearts girls because yeah it won't be pretty.  Actually I'm doing cartwheels that they attached themselves....well most of them.  I'm not ready to give up Arekks just yet to any girls... so yeah the rest sure its about time.  My partner in every crime I have committed ever ever hell nawl!  No I lie.  If there was a girl for him that would/could lead his 6'4 self around by the nose, I say girl he's yours!!
Wait wait where was I.  Territorial women and the bad habits we do once we realize we like the guy.  Look I'm not saying being jealous is bad, because having some sort of jealous feeling for the guy is healthy.  But for Cripe's sake women DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT go postal because you saw him on-line and he didn't say hello to you.  Trust me he will get around to saying hi and if he doesn't take a damn lithium pill for shit's sake.  The next time you two communicate he will say hello or dammit go say hello to him sheesh.  Don't pounce on him for no reason.  Don't over react and start cursing like a sailor either.  There's no point to it, and its completely unnecessary.  Really if I find myself talking to the guy alot I worry because I wonder am I getting up his ass?  And then I dial it back a bit. Don't get me wrong I'm not running away at all. I'm just slowing myself down a bit because I need to think.   Hey I like you eventually I wanna see you naked.  I mean eventually I want your smile to belong to me....this just isn't coming out right at all.  Plus with the work that I do, I am easily stressed and then I turn into a fire breathing dragon, and I can't have him up my ass at that point because I will lump him in with the people that are pissing me off and then I get VERY one worded or I turn into a mime and I mime very well with my middle finger!
The crush.  What the hell is a crush? According to the dictionary its "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special".  Burning desire?  Really??  Nah I think its more of a I think you're an interesting person, sure you're attractive...what do you want me to stalk you some now or something?? because I suck at that and I am easily distracted.  I've had a guys I like and vice versa but I haven't had that burning desire feeling as yet.  Wait is that what we call heartburn?  Because I had that feeling last night after the buffalo wings Rooroo and I had last night when we were out and about.  No I'm not being sarcastic. I'm being blunt. This is right up there with the term puppy love.  Isn't this the same as the liking someone? Now I've told a guy that I liked him lately.  I wanted to drive it through to that big thick damn Asian skull......I mean *blink blink* I wanted him to catch on and you know, if he has not caught on by now, then the guy I'm referring to does have a big thick skull and needs to get socked in the back of his head with an orange lol.
Love.  Let me say this right now.  Loving someone is never easy. So when the first set of issues arise don't just walk away after you have had one....ten arguments.   No one is an angel and somehow in someway, something he did last year is gonna pop into your head and piss you off and then you'll be sitting there giving him the stinky eye. This takes me back to the like part but on a different level.  Listen up ladies and gentlemen,  because you guys are just as bad and then get your boxers in a knot too! If your woman or man is busy and does not pay attention to you its not because they don't love you or because they eyeballing someone else.  I know myself from experience I get preoccupied and the guy that I'm with will be talking and I'm hearing zero of it.  I'm sorry it is not on purpose its just my mind is going a mile a minute with so much stuff my brain goes on overload.  And I do love you that's just me and I'm sorry.  Don't freak out and have a tantrum, its just not kosher.
My final verdict.  Join a nunnery, become a monk.  No no I'm not serious.  My final advice its your life and the only one you get...live it well, love as much as you can, enjoy it all, but please try to pay attention to your special person some, and please please we all have to stop the crazy ass moments.

Peace
~Micchi